Communicating in Lunacy

“I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.”


I will be the first to admit it.

I am a bad communicator. I don’t listen well, nor do I speak clearly.

I like to think I say what I mean…but really, I only think what I mean and very poorly say what I mean to say.

For example. Last night.

I was texting someone (granted, texting is not a very good/reliable form of communication in the first place). For my heart’s sake, I shouldn’t have texted him….but I missed my friend. We hadn’t chatted in so long it felt like we weren’t friends any more. I couldn’t stand that. I really missed my friend. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey- do you go to this (place) to get your tattoos? BTW, how’s your life? (pretty laid back text in my mind. I didn’t expect a reply since, well, he seemed too busy to text me now…but a few minutes later, he replied. I will not admit to the fact that I was giddy for the rest of the night. Nope. Not admitting it.)
Dude: I go to this guy, he’s good and my life is crazy, you?
Me: Cool, ya, my life is crazy too. I’m packing so I can move next week. How’s your job? (Sorry….I’m a sucker and I figure if I just ask one more question he might reply, just ONE more time.)
Dude: Where you moving to? (I wanted to say BC really badly….lol)
Me: I’m looking after my friend’s basement suite for the summer, same city.
Dude: ha ha (okay…I was confused here….was he laughing at me…how dare he).
Me: Haha? Is this funny? Could be worse, I could be living in a trailer park with druggies. Lol
Dude: ….what are you saying?... (that’s what I was thinking about you- ???)
Me: haha…I’m not a fan of basement suites, but better than trailer parks.
The end.

So….its possible…he thinks I’m a lunatic. But its true…because my communication skills are so lame. Lol. Does this confuse you too???? Please tell me it does….

Not that men are more or less rational….but please tell me that I am not loosing it and that I made sense and he’s the lunatic. Because…ya…he is. Lol.

So my point remains….I stink at communicating. Sometimes. Especially when its important.

Slumpy

I haven’t been feeling very word creative lately. Possibly cause I’m in a bit of a slump.


I have to move in one week’s time…that is stressful. I would like to say I’m packed. But not one thing is packed yet. I keep meaning to pack, but exhaustion from very long days has left me incapable of lifting a finger to pack. I did however, fold a load of whites. Pitiful really. My white loads are small because this girl does not wear white well. BUT- it’s something.

Its this “in transition” stage that always has me antsy. Let me move already so I can get settled….but I must remember to breathe.

The sun is shining and I’m loving the gorgeous weather.

Despite life’s little trials, I’m doing great. A little heart-sad. A little raw and disheartened. From all the letting go. Yes.

But alive, and good.

Annoyed and impatient at times.

But finding my freedom in the arms of God.

The War

Two songs. Two different takes on the same story. One has inspiring lyrics, the other, emotional. One is sweet, the other perky. I like them both….some more than others at different moments during the day.
The war rages.

To be honest….my first instinct is to sing the perky, emotional, drug song. But in singing Someday, there is hope for a happier ending. What do you think?

Someday- Francesca Battistelli
I wanna be the one who knows everything about you
I wanna be the one who’s always on your mind
I wanna be the one to get all of your affection and attention
You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for, for all this time
And I can’t imagine anything, anything better than

(Chorus)
Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

I wanna be the one who does everything with you
Watching stars, washing cars, taking walks, going to the store
I wanna be the one who gets to change her last name someday
To something that sounds something more like yours

(Chorus)

Yeah I’ll be telling you I love you
On a picture perfect day
And those words inside my head
They sound like angels singing praise
It’s what I was made to say

Your Love Is My Drug- Ke$ha

Maybe I need some rehab, or maybe I just need some sleep

I've got a sick obsession, I'm seeing it in my dreams

I'm looking down every alley, I'm making those desperate calls

I’m staying up all night hoping, Hit my head against the walls

(chorus)

What you've got boy is hard to find

I think about it all about it all the time

I'm all strung out my heart is fried

I just cant get you off my mind

Because your love, your love, your love, is my drug

Your love your love your love

I said your love, your love, your love, is my drug

Your love your love your love

Won't listen to any advice, mamma's telling me I should think twice

But left to my own devices i'm addicted, its a crisis!

My friends think I've gone crazy, my judgment is getting kinda hazy

My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead

(chorus)

I don't care what people say

The rush is worth the price I pay

I get so high when you're with me

But crash and crave you when you leave

So I got a question

Do you want to have a slumber party in my basement?

Do I make your heart beat like an 808 drum?

Is my love, your drug?

My Love Songs

“Your love is a song.”

To quote Switchfoot again….how could I not, they have the perfect lyrics for my life somedays.

Last night I was loved. By a song. Many songs. HE knows how to love me.

I went to a concert by Peter Katz (as previously mentioned) and it was absolutely radiant. My date and I, a dear good gal friend of mine (and also my personal hair savior!) were delighted with the pure acoustic guitar and emotion-ladden stellar vocals. The glass of wine, which we sipped during the performance in a small candlelit hall? That was precious too. Utter loveliness. His lyrics haunt me still.

Here are some of the most treasured lyrics of last night that God used to speak gently into my heart:

I will also mention here that I spoke with him after the performance, had him sign my cd…and then he kissed the CD. Just my luck that he was married this past summer- lol.

“cause your love was dangerous, and I was into taking risks.”

Dangerous

“Yesterday I could hold on/ say to my heart: “It won’t be long”

Yesterday I could hold on/ wait for the time that you’d come along.

But not today/ no, I’m not ok/ I just can’t take/ you so far away.

I just want to hold you.”

To See You

And this one especially, this one broke my heart, in a beautiful way:

“Like the breath from the trees/ the mercy of the breeze/ all the good you gave was free.

Love you let me go/ so I don’t need to go no more.

Every day, every night, every new/ every calm, every storm, will be you/

Every candle on a cake, every eyelash in the wake of a wind/ that blows it true.

Love you let me go/ so I don’t need to go no more.

You’re keeping yourself busy/ to keep your mind at bay.

Its time to take it easy/Just let it fall away.

Love you let me go.

So I don’t need to go no more.”

Let Me Go

I shall not say any more.

Silence.

Love you let me go…so I don’t need to go no more.

He Owns My Heart

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Enough to Let Me Go- Switchfoot

Standing in the crowd a couple months ago, mere feet away from Jon Foreman, these lyrics pierced my soul.

I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t think I had to let go. Again. Surely it was time to hold on.

But no….in the midst of a rock concert, God whispered to my heart an often heard mantra. Let go.

Every time I hear this song I remember this exact moment. The searing pain in my heart, the piercing breath, a moment of exquisite realization. Despite the pain, I had to let go.

This moment prodded me on to doing what I needed to do. It hurt (when does life not hurt?) but when I look back now, I can see the beauty in it. The grace in that moment. The depth and breadth of a providential moment in the least likely place on earth.

So odd, but so beautiful. I still remember the pain, but I remember it fondly.

I let go. It was what I needed to do.

And by letting go then, I saved myself a whack-job load of more heartbreak that could have occurred a few weeks later.

But that man did not own my heart.

And then I had the privilege of experiencing another wonderful friendship that I hoped would turn into something more beautiful.

Again God whispered….let go.

He didn’t use a beautiful lyric at a rock concert…but I knew.

I look back now, and I remember the pain that I’m not over yet…and it’s beautiful.

Because that man did not own my heart either.

Only God. God owns my heart…and I don’t ever have to let HIM go.

He’s the one holding on to me with His life. That same life that He gave up to hold on to me.

In His arms I rest, until I don’t have to let go anymore.

In Defense of Orthodox Behavior

Or rather….why I think saving sex for marriage is not only the best idea ever…but it’s the best idea ever.

Over the last few days I have noticed how certain personality types affect me. How I let them affect me. How, with almost no pre-meditated thought, certain people can cheer me, annoy me, encourage me, or stifle me….just by being who they are.

Is that cruel to say?

It’s probably rather selfish of me…and that’s my challenge for holiness, I suppose. To unconditionally love everyone….especially those that annoy and stifle me.

But back to the point.

Let’s say the majority of women are like me (for theory’s sake).

Woman A meets man at a grocery store. Instant connection in the cereal aisle. (Blame the Honey Nuts. Cheerios. Geez….)

SORRY- lol

They get to talking, then exchanging numbers, then texting/communicating in regular intervals. Soon a deep friendship and romance blossoms. Over time. In this case, woman A is given a chance to get to know the personality of said cheerios man. She can now make a rational decision on whether or not to spend the rest of her life with the cheerios man. Thankfully, he makes her happy and challenges her to live life to the full. Happy ending to story.

Enter Woman B.

Woman B meets handsome man in her physics 101 class. She’s a good girl, but a tad spontaneous. The physical attraction is vehemently strong and physics man and her jump off the diving board into romance within moments of meeting. It’s so strong really, that within a few days, bedroom behavior is exhibited. Often. Vehemently. Oh it’s a volcanic love. But what woman B doesn’t know….is that while physics man is hot hot hot, he’s also seriously depressing. All the time. Stifling. Imprisoning. But sex clouds her judgment. She can’t see past the sheets. Rapid proposal, even more rapid acceptance, and before she knows it, she’s committed to a man who does not encourage her to fly.

The poor woman. Stifled.

Sex is for marriage so logical thought can make a better life choice. So you don’t end up married to a bore, a douchebag, a stifling controller, or a maniac. Just because he was a good kisser.

All this is to say….I fear marrying someone who stifles me. Who bores me. Who does not encourage me to fly. Terrified.

What do you fear?

A Collection of Beautiful Things

A collection of beautiful things:

Cause I was dreaming of something

And you woke me up

Well I don’t lose the dream

Just ‘cause the dawning has struck
So right here I end it

And there’s no going back

You were a dead end and I’ve found a new track.

The Dawning- Peter Katz

http://www.peterkatz.org/home.html

Through a random chain of events, I have two tickets to go see this man on Thursday. I’ve never heard of him before- but I am ridiculously excited….he is cute and he has fun lyrics…YEAH!

A beautiful song lyric from Nat King Cole:

“you’re the cream in my coffee
you’re the salt in my stew

you will always be my necessity

I’d be lost without you”

One of my all time favourite paintings- The Girl With the Pearl Earring by Vemeer. Love.