Play Ball!

I’m not much for baseball…but I have a feeling it might be God’s favorite game.

He’s always throwing curve balls at me, expecting me to hit them and score a home run.

Most of the time I shriek and duck away from the careening ball.

At least that’s my initial reaction.

In life and in playing the game.

But when He threw me another curve ball last night, I had the opportunity to look that pitcher in the face…tell Him I didn’t like baseball…and then promptly decide that I was ready to play ball. Sure, I don’t like baseball (it tends to require a good arm and good aim, which neither are possessed by yours truly)…but because HE likes it….I’m in.

And maybe….if I’m lucky, and He gives me more than three strikes before I’m out….I will get a home run.

It’s what I’m hoping for anyways.

Because, good heavens, if He’s just going to keep throwing curve balls at me, I might as well learn to have fun playing the game.

Bring it on BIG BOY!

Home-making

Well, by golly, guess what I've been doing lately?

Homemaking.

Yup.

I'm rather sad that my fabulous roommate is moving out, but I am keenly looking forward to having a kitchen to my very own self for a few weeks....my very own kitchen!

See...I've always been in someone else's kitchen. My mom's kitchen, my roommate's kitchen, my boss's kitchen...but never MY VERY OWN KITCHEN. You know, the kind where you can put the stuff wherever you want?

And because it'll just be little old me for a little bit....I can keep the kitchen, EXACTLY how I want it.

Its rather...fun. Liberating, A tad selfish too, maybe.

But, ITS FUN!

My house is still in a chaotic mess from Sunday afternoon (rather a shock to enter your house and see it in a state of such disarray), with things strewn in every corner in its semi-moving stage.

I don't enjoy the disorder...but I'm trying to be patient.

I started taking over the kitchen last night. I went and got some cutlery and knives and a few various other things that I required...and then, I put it all where I wanted it to go. Hah.

Glorious.

Sad is the woman who puts her life on hold and waits for such joys as home-making until she is married.

Not I.

I am going to live my life with crazy abandon...and that means I am going to be a housewife. No husband and children required. Just a house. I have that for a little bit. I CAN DO IT!

So today...three cheers to the sun, housewifery, and the ONE who loves me despite my lunacy.

My Elephant

Today I’m going to talk about elephants.

Gigantic, gray elephants.

Yes, Christina, I remember the elephant and giraffe escapades…funny how true those incidents turn out to be sometimes…?

I have an elephant in my life. I like to deny that he exists. Sometimes he comes and visits me. He sits in my living room and puts frumpy dents in my couch cushions. Sometimes he stays for a long time.

I tend to ignore him.

Then one day, most likely when I’m feeling tired or moody, I’ll walk into my living room and see that darn elephant and all hell breaks loose.

“Why is that DAMN elephant STILLLLLLL here…..I don’t want him here, get lost, go away….YOU DON’T EXIST…..go away.”

Then people ask me how I’m doing, and I reply “Fine”. Because it’s the safe answer. The answer that gives people no reason to really inquire…to find out that I have an elephant living with me.

You see me….but you see no elephant. But if you really asked, if you really inquired, if you came to visit me for coffee….you’d meet my elephant.

His name is: my deepest emotions and feelings.

To explain: I am not partial to feelings and emotions…they are fleeting and highly untrustworthy. Unsavoury characters, the majority of the lot. On occasion you meet a nice and perfectly lovely one….but generally, they are disruptive and misleading.

When they’re good, they’re GOOD. When they’re bad, they’re bad.

I like to deny the existence of my feelings…pretend they aren’t there. The deep, large sized ones anyways. But who can ignore an elephant?

Does this make any sense?

Anyways, I have decided to admit that I have an elephant today. And he’s big, bulky, gray, and slightly overweight. He’s smiling and friendly, but he still exists.

Sometimes I have really huge emotions and feelings and the only way I can deal with them is to:

a) ignore them (as mentioned a bazillion times already).
b) write really long emails to people who don’t really have a lot of time to read them, sorry- lol
c) in time, deal with them healthily and in Adoration.

Of course, c) is the best option, and the one I most prefer…but it’s not always my default action. You know. Yes, you know.

Lastly, I should point out….that sometimes the elephant is not even very specific, or known to me….but he exists. AND...sometimes...when I admit that he exists...he goes back to where he came from....oh, the intricacies of life.

There, I admitted it, again. My elephant exists.

Isn’t he darling?

Do you have an elephant?

Risking Even More

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”   -Erica Jong


Thanks for the quote Amy Beth: http://ministrysofabulous.com/

Love Is Waiting

Love Is Waiting- Brooke Fraser
In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well

[CHORUS]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting ‘til we're ready, ‘til it's right
Love is waiting

It's my caution not the cold
There's no other hand that I would rather hold
The climate changes, I'm singing for the strangers about you
Don't keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you can
The bets are getting surer now that you're my man

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,

Neither should I rush my way into your heart

**************

This song never ceases to speak to me.

“And like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,

neither should I rush my way into your heart”

This line is especially meaningful right now. My heart is uneasy with uncertainty…with the fear of the unknown….but this reminds me that everything happens in God’s time. In God’s time.

Until then….love is waiting.

Love, Where Is Your Fire?

I had a truly lovely weekend, full of silence and reflection. I needed to get some things sorted out.

Something I heard this weekend really helped me in my thought and decision making process….discerning is so hard I was open to advice:

When making a decision, the option that requires the most love is most likely the one that God wants you to choose.

So I debated…is it harder to love in letting go, or holding on and loving through the hard times? Which of these fine options was what God wanted me to choose?

Is it just like me to let go? Or is time to hold on?

I hope its not chicken of me to choose the letting go, again. While the possibility of getting hurt scares the living daylights out of me, and the possibility of things turning out beautifully scares the living daylights out of me, and the possibility of being wrong scares the daylights out of me…I think maybe this is the choice God wants me to make.

Let go.

Focus on the now….focus on Christ. Focus. Trust.

And then, when it’s the right time, if love wants to come knocking on my door, I’ll be ready. If love wants to text me and tell me he can’t live without me, I’ll be ready. But until then…

Here is a beautiful song that is helping me trust:

Love, Where Is Your Fire-Brooke Fraser


Love, where is your fire? I've been sitting here smoking away
Making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits, still there's no sign of a flame
Imposters have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone
Some urge me to be temperate, lukewarm will never do

[CHORUS]

'Cause I, I wanna blaze with you
So I'm holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out


So I stand, handing out torches
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
'Til the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete
Some tell me to be moderate but lukewarm will never do


[CHORUS]


[BRIDGE]
Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
That I'll offer you me and you'll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it, I'll shout and rebuke it - "away!"


That is what I am waiting for. May my hot little inferno find his way to me soon!!!

Green Love

One of my all time favorite colours has been, and always will be green.

Its just such a vibrant colour full of vivaciousness.

Three cheers to St. Patrick's Day....even though I'm not a smidgen Irish.

Clever Man

“The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.” ~Albert Ellis

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God’s finger on man’s shoulder.” ~Charles Morgan

Today I’m in love with this post…even the comments are worth reading!!!

http://talkaboutmyfeelings.com/2010/02/04/the-way-you-make-me-feel/

That man....he's clever.

Untethered

As my horses were standing there, hitched to the post, watching the world go by, they realized something important.

They didn’t want to watch the world go by.

They wanted to be free, untethered to any post.

They weren’t going to wait around like some pansy horse who couldn’t do anything for herself….they were going to LIVE!

There is a big field out there, ready to be explored.

Who cares about wild stallions….

Its Monday, its beautiful outside, spring is rearing its little head, and there is much to appreciate, live for, and enjoy.

See ya later ponies…I’m going to go gallop in that field out yonder.

The Hitching Post

nice pun hey?

You know, women have a hard job. Being women.

Especially if you don’t want to be one of those new age women who are doing the chasing and pursuing and the taking everything into the control of their own hands.

This whole waiting, wishing, hoping, praying, and yearning for a dashing man to pursue me is draining. So entirely draining.

Because I want to take things into my own hands. I want to initiate all the conversations…because then, at least, he’d talk to me. I want to follow him around and make my presence known…so then, at least, he’d notice me.

But really….how incredibly stupid is that?

My little horses are tied at the hitching post. (Pun intended). They are under strict orders to not gallop off into the sunset after a wild stallion. They are reined in, scoffing and impatient. But, nonetheless, they are tied. Watching the horsey parade walk by…hitched to the hitching post. Just a-waiting.

For the day when my reins will be untied and my stallion will come for me. And challenge me to a race in the field. And lead me to a verdant pasture.

Okay, I’ll stop.

LOL

But you get the point. My horses are waiting at the hitching post and they JUST WANT TO GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD PEOPLE! Like come on.

What’s taking so long? Herd of sheep blocking the road? Jump ‘em.

If you keep taking so long my horses are going to turn feeble and collapse of old age…right at that darn hitching post. Just saying.

In 3 ft. of Snow

So....theoretically speaking...I have decided a winter wedding is a no go...in the case that I needed to get married.

Because...really.....who can do this in three feet of snow???

I, of course, would be wearing pseudo hooker/cowgirl boots and not those attrocious things in the picture.

I have deemed it quite necessary to have one of these pictures on my wedding day.

Deemed.

As in....dress? Check. Groom? Check. Bike? Check. Priest....ummm...did someone forget to call the priest?

I jest. Partially.

This love for motorbikes is newfound, really only a year old...I blame some people. But it is now quite essentially....me. The freedom you can feel flying through the air. Glorious. It feels safer than snowboarding. Really.

So alas....my point of this post....this. better. happen. or else all my dreams just might not come true.

Poem of Hope

By Marietta Martin:

One day there will be no more unexpressed words of love,
There will be no more stifled desires,
There will be no more silent presences: all the voices will be heard,
The veil which the music lifts will never more be lowered,
There will be no more inaccessibly space, and
the spool of time will unwind in the present,
All the sister particles of souls will join together.
The sunsets will be explained,
Beauty will lose its anguish,
Creation will be the clear word of divinty,
One day, like a beautiful voyage toward the beloved dead.

Sonnet No. 6

From Christina Rosetti's Monna Innominata: 

Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke,
I love, as you would have me, God the most.
Would lose not him, but you, must one be lost,
Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look
Unready to forego what I forsook.
This say I, having counted up the cost;
This, though 't be the feeblest of God's host,
The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with his crook,
Yet, while I love my God the most, I deem
That I can never love you over much:
I love him more, so let me love you too;
Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not him,
I cannot love him if I love not you. (emphasis mine)

Letting Go

"My house of cards is crashing upon me, helping me to know the things I must let go."

Part of a fine lyrical piece...I wish I could remember it all right now. A most eloquent song. A song that has continually inspired me from the moment of its birth. Thank you for writing it Christina and Matthew.

"As long as there is breath, there is hope."

For some reason, I feel like my beatiful ship is sailing away from me again. Maybe its just the tomatoes I ate at lunch....but its okay. I'll let it go. Sail safe my little Santa Maria. Steer clear my little Pinta. Bon voyage my little Nina. I will miss you tremendously. Come back if God allows.

I'm letting go.

One day soon, when its God's time, I will hold on.

Plucking the Strings

I did something last night that I haven’t done in a long time.

Exercised? No….too bad though.

Cooked? No.

I picked up my violin and played it.

While I still can’t play that fabulously well….I made soul-soothing music- the music that is beautiful, not because it’s well played, but because it perfectly reflects one’s heart. The type of music that is freeing and tremendously relieving. Like the moment when you are finally able to articulate exactly what you want to say.

I enjoyed it immensely and it made me remember how much I miss it. This summer I will resume taking lessons.

When was the last time you made music that gave voice to your soul?

Bouguereau

Just so you know, a person really starts to doubt their chosen career in life when they get a paper cut on their nose. On their nose! What was that thing doing near the paper I was filing? For reference….it hurts less than getting a paper cut on your hand.

________
Lately I’ve been contemplating the idea of waiting. I’m bad at it…but I’ve done a lot of it. Apparently I don’t learn things the first time around as well as I should.

In a related note, I’ve been contemplating the idea of beauty as well. Waiting and beauty. Both of which I have found in a painting entitled “Rest in Harvest”.

On Saturday, I found myself with a pounding head cold and a free day. I puttered around, cleaning, doing a few errands, and just feeling out of sorts. Upon driving by an art gallery by my house, I spontaneously decided to stop in. I had been yearning for quite some time to go into the gallery and appreciate the art. I just have never found a chance to.

I stopped in and quite enjoyed the plethora of colours and shapes and delightful eye candy. I was carefully enjoying it all until I saw this picture.

I stopped. Stunned by its simplicity and pure beauty. It moved me. It transported me. It spoke to my soul. I looked at the price. It was reasonable, as it was just a poster.

It is now hanging on my wall across from my bed. I awoke Sunday morning and I stared at her. We were in mirror like positions…staring at each other. I named her Emily. I love her.

I then decided to do some research into the painter. He is my soul mate. Check out these quotes:

"Each day I go to my studio full of joy; in the evening when obliged to stop because of darkness I can scarcely wait for the morning to come...My work is not only a pleasure, it has become a necessity. No matter how many other things I have in my life, if I cannot give myself to my dear painting I am miserable." --William Bouguereau

"One has to seek Beauty and Truth, Sir! As I always say to my pupils, you have to work to the finish. There's only one kind of painting. It is the painting that presents the eye with perfection, the kind of beautiful and impeccable enamel you find in Veronese and Titian." --William Bouguereau, 1895

Check out my William Bouguereau: http://www.goodart.org/artofwb.htm

He does a lot of nude female art….but thankfully…his portrayal of it is pure beauty and honour to the female form….its kinda intriguing really. Another thing I didn’t know is that some of the famous religious art that I have seen for years…well…it’s his. I love his bold colours, simple scenes, and amazing portrayal of beauty and simplicity. There are a few other of his pieces that I would LOVE to own.

So to you William….I salute you. You are my artist.